Day #23

A letter to the psych-ward

Came across a draft I had created in my inbox during a moment of weaknesses, not too far back. Reading through it, I didn’t feel the pain and self-pity that it would have garnered then, but a sense that I need to share, word-for-word, this ultra-personal disclosure. Something has surely changed somewhere..!


Hey!

I had a panic attack recently. And it got me thinking. Actually, I think the above transpired in reverse.

I feel there is a dichotomy in what and who I am and what I want to be. And I mean it not in the sense of status, money, job des, etc. but rather as a person. I want to be more hard-working, I want to be more straightforward, I want to love risk (I only like it at the moment), I want to be more spontaneous, I want to be more alive and mostly, I want to dive off an airplane, I want to learn exactly what I want, I want to be fearless in the face of failure, and mostly – I just want to be less afraid. Coz it is this last thing that, despite knowing and having the appetite for the associated risks, stops me from reaching for the next moment. And that loop which starts with me not being able to take the next step starts off a mental spiral where I am the star of the show, the audience is empty, and I curse myself and I laugh at myself and I feel, for a moment, comfortable with that sadness. It feels familiar, it feels… right. Happiness feels like an allergy; it comes, it affects, it passes away.

While I am not a total dreamer chasing happiness, I do feel rudderless. My lows bring out thoughts in me which perceive my great life as a privilege, undeserved. Rationally, I know that life is a poker game, and the hand you are played is hardly something you choose or get to decide; what you make of it, is what sets you apart. But how do I convince my irrational human conscience of this truism? What’s to stop it from hurling insults my way?

I stopped listening to it sometime back, and I realized it was a toxic part of my conscience, not the whole being. That simple. (In hindsight, too simple. But then again, human fallacy dictates that a maze solved, was hardly a maze, wasn’t it? So being proud about solving a non-maze isn’t exactly smart!)

Regards,


This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

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Day #21

Conversation

The two-way with the world
This osmosis of thoughts
Hold the door for the toxin
Lest the good stays within

This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

Day #19

I have been watching documentaries on major wars recently, going backwards from World War II. I am fascinated and repulsed simultaneously by this palatable cocktail of human genius and depravity. But, if anything, this should be mandatory for everyone to see & learn from. After all, we either learn from out mistakes; or simply repeat them.

I found this and this to be particularly good for some real world footage of the World Wars, the rest unfortunately don’t have such extensive coverage. The following is the product of this pre-occupation.


What is war, but a vote;
its electorate, fortune
The gray cast the die
The stripes go to war
The green go to battle

Answer the call, soldier
Your country awaits your blood
Red; lest purple may fall
They say it’s too valuable,
Yet too cheap to pass on

Sacrifice your order, Build us a new one
Save our humanity, kill yours
Lay the foundations
With your brothers-in-arms

It is yours to do and die;
Or is it
To do
Or die?

This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

Day #1

This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

Positivity.

It’s a theme showing up frequently nowadays in my day-to-day. Mostly, it shows up because I locate and drag this elusive ***** back into its enclosure after each escape! Unfortunately, my processing power is quite slow, so it often takes anywhere from a week to many months, before I realize this bird has left its cage.

This time though, I’m going all out with my efforts, and I intend to keep this Houdini safe in a fortress surrounded by moats and crocs and sharks and whatever else it takes. I recall having read this method in multiple places online, with regards to manipulating positivity, or for that matter most feelings – the answer is to simply pretend. Wanna be confident? Look in the mirror, convince yourself that you are already there, and boom! Another theory is that positivity is like ringworm – contagious. Starting with a 1 instead of a 0 helps. All you need is a push at the precipice of a spiral.

With this latter view, I decided to stock up on my ammo for this missions. My armory is still expanding rapidly, and as of this moment includes a diet of healthy foods, my phone’s health app, lots of pop instead of all that rock and metal (Damn, Bruno Mars is good), and writing.

Let’s see how this tiny push works then eh?

Thaw

I liked the feelings you evoked
In a heart kept cold
Lest it warmed up enough
To be sliced in two.

But the warmth was worth it
The thawing was bliss
The magic of love flowed
To a place where it was sorely missed

And the feelings you let me
Gather up in my treasure chest
Those memories of happiness
Those memories of love

Shall stay forever
And forever, shall stay
Buried in my heart
For someone to unearth.

Friendship

Friends are your horcruxes. They are your vessels which carry memories and experiences that you have shared and lived with them, things that you have told them, secrets that you have fessed up to them; they are the ones peering into the canisters of your dreams and aspirations that you have eagerly opened up for them, the ones staring into the dark with you to find the rays of hope that you desperately seek, the ones who will lift your spirits from crests and troughs alike; they will be the ear lent in your agony, they will be the lip that comes forth in your solitude, they will be your partners in anxiety and your associates in joviality. They are your vessels, your time capsules, your diaries, your journals, your recorders, your audience; they are the pages that tell about you in a history book, they are the ones with the illustrations and the trivia at your wedding, they are the ones who will show you off to your grandkids, they are ones who will be there by your bed. They are the little embodiments of moral support, of help, of love that you pray to have by your side, each night before you close your eyes.

And you, in turn, are theirs…

Dedicated to a friend more special than a fancy groupon-ed Sunday breakfast 🙂