Day #23

A letter to the psych-ward

Came across a draft I had created in my inbox during a moment of weaknesses, not too far back. Reading through it, I didn’t feel the pain and self-pity that it would have garnered then, but a sense that I need to share, word-for-word, this ultra-personal disclosure. Something has surely changed somewhere..!


Hey!

I had a panic attack recently. And it got me thinking. Actually, I think the above transpired in reverse.

I feel there is a dichotomy in what and who I am and what I want to be. And I mean it not in the sense of status, money, job des, etc. but rather as a person. I want to be more hard-working, I want to be more straightforward, I want to love risk (I only like it at the moment), I want to be more spontaneous, I want to be more alive and mostly, I want to dive off an airplane, I want to learn exactly what I want, I want to be fearless in the face of failure, and mostly – I just want to be less afraid. Coz it is this last thing that, despite knowing and having the appetite for the associated risks, stops me from reaching for the next moment. And that loop which starts with me not being able to take the next step starts off a mental spiral where I am the star of the show, the audience is empty, and I curse myself and I laugh at myself and I feel, for a moment, comfortable with that sadness. It feels familiar, it feels… right. Happiness feels like an allergy; it comes, it affects, it passes away.

While I am not a total dreamer chasing happiness, I do feel rudderless. My lows bring out thoughts in me which perceive my great life as a privilege, undeserved. Rationally, I know that life is a poker game, and the hand you are played is hardly something you choose or get to decide; what you make of it, is what sets you apart. But how do I convince my irrational human conscience of this truism? What’s to stop it from hurling insults my way?

I stopped listening to it sometime back, and I realized it was a toxic part of my conscience, not the whole being. That simple. (In hindsight, too simple. But then again, human fallacy dictates that a maze solved, was hardly a maze, wasn’t it? So being proud about solving a non-maze isn’t exactly smart!)

Regards,


This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

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Day #1

This is a part of a mini-series of independent posts, starting here

Positivity.

It’s a theme showing up frequently nowadays in my day-to-day. Mostly, it shows up because I locate and drag this elusive ***** back into its enclosure after each escape! Unfortunately, my processing power is quite slow, so it often takes anywhere from a week to many months, before I realize this bird has left its cage.

This time though, I’m going all out with my efforts, and I intend to keep this Houdini safe in a fortress surrounded by moats and crocs and sharks and whatever else it takes. I recall having read this method in multiple places online, with regards to manipulating positivity, or for that matter most feelings – the answer is to simply pretend. Wanna be confident? Look in the mirror, convince yourself that you are already there, and boom! Another theory is that positivity is like ringworm – contagious. Starting with a 1 instead of a 0 helps. All you need is a push at the precipice of a spiral.

With this latter view, I decided to stock up on my ammo for this missions. My armory is still expanding rapidly, and as of this moment includes a diet of healthy foods, my phone’s health app, lots of pop instead of all that rock and metal (Damn, Bruno Mars is good), and writing.

Let’s see how this tiny push works then eh?